My Birthday
2020
January.
In the past, I have looked forward to January. It’s the month
of my birthday. I love my birthday! It’s one of my favorite days. A day that’s
all my own. I think maybe it has something to do with being a middle child. I
enjoy my birthday so much, it’s become a celebration all month long starting
right after New Year’s Day. Yes, I’m THAT person. But things have changed.
I’d like to blame my lack of enthusiasm surrounding my
birthday on getting older. It’s just what happens as time goes by. You lose
interest. You have kids and pay more attention to their birthdays than your
own. You realize you don’t want to focus on your age. No one likes getting old.
But that wasn’t the case for me. I’m the person who counted down the days no
matter how old I was getting. Ask any of my friends and they’d tell you just
how much I used to love my birthday.
January for me is no longer filled with celebration. It is now
a constant reminder of tragedy, mourning, and loss. January 3, 2019 started my
birthday month with devastating news. My dad was murdered. I can’t shake the
sound of my mom’s voice as she called to say my dad was assaulted and to get on
a plane because he might not make it. The dizzying feeling of trying to book a
flight while trying to make sense of what was going on. Calling my brother out
of state to make sure he was also on his way. Then the call that followed not
10 minutes later to say it was too late; he died.
That’s my January now. January holds for me the anniversary
of my father’s memorial which happen to land on the day after my birthday.
Instead of celebrating, all I can think about is writing what I would say at
his service. Trying to make sure I said all the things to show just how much
this man meant to me. But my words couldn’t possibly do my dad justice. But I
tried.
Last year, I was surrounded by family all in town for the memorial.
They tried to get my mind off of our new reality even if just for a minute. And
they succeeded. We were able to put it aside to simply enjoy the time together.
They’ll never know how much that meant. Not truly. This year however I’m on my
own. Yes, my own little family is doing what they can, but it’s not the same. I
want so desperately to be excited for my birthday, but I don’t know how. It’s
changed. It’s not the January I remember so fondly from the past.
Those of you who know me well, know I don’t share often and
with many people. I tend to self-protect to ensure I don’t get hurt. That means
keeping my circle small and my emotions hidden behind closed doors. Thanks
trauma background. But this has been heavy on my heart for quite some time now.
I think I need to start sharing my truth to help me process it outside my own
heart and head. I’m hoping to make sense of everything that is swirling around
in my mind. It won’t always be pretty, but it’ll be honest. So here goes. I’m
starting in January, on my birthday. It seems fitting.
