Ok, wow. I just realized that I have not blogged since early February and so much has happened from then to now.
John and I found out we were pregnant early February. As you know, we have a history of ectopic pregnancy. I was pregnant last August and made it to 8 weeks before we found out the pregnancy was ectopic meaning the fetus attaches itself in the fallopian tube rather than in the uterus. I had to have emergency surgery. So being pregnant again was met with cautious optimism. We tried to guard our feelings just in case this pregnancy ended the same way the first one did. After 3 1/2 weeks of blood tests every 3 days, it was determined that this pregnancy was in fact ectopic as well. Because of the careful monitoring of my levels, we did not have to have surgery again. Instead, my doctor injected me February 27 with an anti-cancer drug that basically stops all rapidly reproducing cells. Pretty much we stopped the pregnancy from progressing.
This was one of the hardest decisions I've had to make. There's no way to know for sure a pregnancy is ectopic unless the doctor actually goes inside and takes a look. But based on my levels, my doctor was sure the pregnancy was abnormal. I don't know if I was so sure. I don't know if I was in denial because I wanted that baby so badly or if I was just hopeful because I have God on my side. Either way, I felt ending the pregnancy was killing my baby. I wasn't ok with that reality. I knew logically that allowing an ectopic pregnancy to progress puts my life in danger, but how could I make the call to end it when there wasn't a 100% guarantee?
Thinking about it now, I'm still not comfortable with my decision. It just breaks my heart. The first time this happened, there was no doubt the pregnancy was ectopic and needed to be removed. This time, there was just so much gray area. I don't do well with gray. Those of you who know me, know that about me. I tend to think in more black and white. This situation was covered in gray and I found it hard to navigate. I still can't make sense of my decision and it took some time to allow God to comfort me. I'll post all about that in the next few days.